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Colbert Platinum
Warning This page is only for people whose net wealth exceeds $500,000 $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.23. You must also have more than a home and a vacation home. 'Colbert Platinum'Colbert Platinum and this page are for Platinum Colbert Nation members only. If you earn less than $2 million dollars a year, grab your bong and some Cheetos and switch over to Adult Swim is the high-end luxury segment of The Report, aimed at discerning rich personages whom Stephen would very much like to meet. Greeting wielders of diamond-encrusted diamond encrusters. The theme song is Prince of Denmark's March. Edition of May 13, 2009 In this very special edition of Colbert Platinum, Dr. Colbert samples three very special $1,000 Dishes. * Norma's in Le Parker Meridien ** $1,000 omelet *** $3 eggs *** $60 lobster *** caviar *** potatoes ** comes with toast * one thing sustained our ancestors when they came to Ellis Island * Dr. Colbert did not dine and dash * Nino's ** $1,000 pie *** served cold *** with shaved lobster *** and caviar * one of the best pies Dr. Colbert has ever had * Dr. Colbert burned off the * Serendipity 3 ** $1,000 sundae *** has a carbon footprint * they've sold one a month in the "good times" ** haven't sold one since November * for another $1,000 Dr. Colbert could have a poor person watch him eat it ** could use more gold Edition of September 15, 2008 This segment is for Platinum Members only. If you chew your own food, leave the room * Not many buyers for the Rick Springfield picture ** still has money on his boat in Galveston, Texas * trophy wives do not stay on the mantle ** Kate Moss golden statue *** expressive *** eats just a bit more than a supermodel * King picked his bried from 10,000 bare-breasted virgins, who paraded before him * perfect gift ** wraps gifts in uncut sheets of U.S. currency *** best gift ? a stack of Euros * Uncut sheet of $32 dollars is $55 * will dab his tears not with $100 bills, but Lehman Brothers stock Edition of August 6, 2008 * Economic Pinch ** Dribble-down Effect *** the ultra rich eat too much, *** the poor suckle the beard * Black Watermelon * First Inductee to Diamond Class Membership ** unnamed Sheik who spent $40,000 for an oil change * Next time: latest in cosmetic surgery for food. ** Raisins say goodby to those wrinkles Edition of June 2, 2008 * Platinum members only: ** if you only get necessary surgery, flip over to Wheel of Fortune * Hard to get crew on your flights: ** Boeing engineers have developed a pod for servants quarters that include bunk beads and seating * $175 hamburger ** small price to pay to literally crap gold * Economic slow-down ** Colbert White Gold ** Video stamp developed by Cracker Jack engineers *** $8.50/each * Stephen offers a stamp for premium members: an iPod nano that plays an entire episode of The Report, for only $149 * money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy things that will make you happy Edition of April 23, 2008 * not a platinum, change the channel, QVC is doing an hour of dog sweaters * run over dolphins ** all your roadkill can be lobster * can finally use underwater McDonalds ** almost makes it seem oike food * Dinosaurs ** Stephen could have bid for it drunk ** Stephen wants something Jesus touched * luxury coffee ** $4.00 is ridiculous, why can;t he pay more? * $100/cup ** harvested from Indonesian cat poop ** only thing more elite would be drinking it straight from the cat * Next Time: Mythical Creatures: Why Can't I Buy One? Edition of March 11, 2008 International Edition for Colbert Platinum, if you have never hunted a man for sport, if you have, this segment should allow your quarry an appropriate lead time * Liechtenstein ** great secret tax shelter ** Stephen's nemesis, Dr. Von Kluug (sp?) ** Stephen has declared his home its own private principality * Counterfeit Ferraris Edition of October 11, 2007 Kidz Edition "If your school doesn't end in 'Prep,' 'Academy' or your own last name, run along." * Art Collections * Doll Houses * Papparazzi Edition of September 19, 2007 Green Edition * The Environment ** Yachting ** Ocean * Glamping * Recycling ** Louis Vuitton Do your part to conserve energy by keeping the thermostats at 68 in the winter and 72 in the summer on your hovercraft. Edition of August 22, 2007 * St. Tropez ** helicopters are noisy ** alternative Imperial Walkers * Champagne Crunch (Champagne Jam) ** India drinks alot ** tech support guys are hammered on Cristal ** spike the vine with growth hormones grapes the size of Barry Bond's head * Ermine and Mink controversy next time ** Furminken ? Edition of July 23, 2007 Private submersible business is booming. Forces champagne bubbles directly into bloodstream Polo ponies have horse herpes. Edition of June 28, 2007 *The number of luxury cars getting totalled is rising fast. Just rich people testing out their Louis Vuitton airbags. **The Vatican issued rules of driving, in which the Pope hates on the players because of his unpimped Popemobile *When making a shopping list of impossibly priced items, use the Montblanc Limited Edition Mystery Masterpiece fountain pen **Yours for the introductory price of $700,000 ***Warning, this pen may leak Edition of June 12, 2007 *A story that affects us all: a world wide shortage of butlers. Luckily, Reginald, Stephen's butler (since forever) warms all the doorknobs in his path. There is also a shortage of yacht crews. *For Father's Day, how about a $98 million dollar diamond encrusted platinum skull by artist Damien Hirst for Dad? External Tubes *Colbert Platinum Becomes a Great Cash Cow! Viva Capitalism! Footnotes